The French Lieutenant's Woman
by sesheta255
Summary: Kaidan is not impressed with the recent turn of events.  Do women really like accents, and has he somehow managed to give Dr. Chakwas the wrong idea?


_Random Stupidity yet again._

_Thanks once again to Star, Shenzi, and Night_

_Bioware owns all_

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**The French Lieutenant's Woman**

Having finished briefing Anderson on their progress so far in tracking down Saren, Shepard stood to leave. Kaidan chose to look on it as a good sign that she had only brought him along for this meeting, and had let him state his opinion of how the mission was going. He knew she trusted him and hoped that she relied on him as much as he thought she did.

Anderson's intercom buzzed and his secretary informed him that Lieutenant Girard was here to see him.

"Send him in, please." He turned back to Shepard, "Commander, do you mind staying a moment longer? There is someone I would like you to meet. I'm sure you will be interested in what he has to say."

Kaidan turned to see a man come through the door and salute Captain Anderson.

"Ah, Lieutenant Girard, I'd like you to meet Commander Shepard, and Lieutenant Alenko."

Shepard turned and smiled as the newcomer saluted her. Kaidan saw the man's eyes widen and was all but ignored as Girard's attention was focused on Shepard. _Don't even think about it mate,_ he thought sourly.

"You said the Lieutenant has something _**we**_ would be interested in Captain Anderson?" Kaidan emphasized the 'we' hoping the other man would take the hint and stop looking at Shepard with what Kaidan thought was a speculative and obviously admiring gleam in his eye.

Lieutenant Girard ignored him and shook Shepard's hand. "Commander it is a great honour to meet you. May I say you are much more charismatic in person than your posters and the holo vids suggested."

"Why thank you Lieutenant. It's always so nice to meet a fan, and a fellow marine."

_Oh, please, does he honestly think Shepard is going to fall for that line? And what's with the phony accent? _Kaidan couldn't believe that Anderson was letting this go on, and he didn't know how Shepard wasn't falling about laughing given her sense of humour. _Maybe her sense of humour only extends to her friends getting shot in the ass._

He was glad when Anderson spoke. "Shepard, the Lieutenant recently rescued a young girl who had escaped from Batarian slavers. She was taken by them on Mindoir."

Shepard shook her head. "Mindoir? That was a long time ago."

"Exactly, Shepard. She was a Batarian captive for a long time and is extremely traumatized. The Lieutenant had to do a lot of work to talk her into letting us help her."

"Yes. I was afraid at one stage that we would have to shoot her to prevent her harming anyone, something I did not wish to be forced to do." Lieutenant Girard informed Shepard.

_Yeah, appeal to Shepard's compassionate side. You don't know her like I do, you smooth talking gigolo, and she'll kick your ass as soon as help you, depending on her mood._

"So why exactly are you telling me this, Sir?" Shepard asked turning back to Captain Anderson.

"I know you spent a lot of your shore leaves helping the people on Elysium, and I want you to try and help Talitha. Be a friend to her. Lieutenant Girard will keep you up to date on her progress and perhaps when she is ready you might visit her."

"Wouldn't someone who experienced Mindoir be of more help?"

"She has enough people to help her in that way, Shepard. She needs someone who she can look up to, who can be her friend, and you make an excellent role model."

"Very well, Sir. I'd be only too happy to help when time permits." She turned to Lieutenant Girard. "I look forward to working with you Lieutenant. Please send everything I need to know to the Normandy."

Lieutenant Girard smiled. "I also look forward to working with you Commander Shepard and I will ensue that you have all relevant information and are kept up to date."

_Smooth bastard. But it won't do you any good. We're leaving the Citadel as soon as we get back to our ship._

"So, Alenko, Shepard seems to be getting pretty tight with that French guy on the Citadel. I guess she has a thing for Lieutenants." Joker commented nonchalantly as Kaidan walked onto the bridge.

"Don't be stupid Joker. Captain Anderson told him to report to Shepard on Talitha's progress, that's all there is to it." He felt agitated enough without Joker confirming his worst fears.

"Well we've only been off the Citadel a couple of weeks and he's already sent her _five_ progress reports. And she's replied to all of them. I only call it as I see it, Alenko. Not to mention that he's invited her out for dinner next time we're on the Citadel, which is where we are heading at the moment, if I'm not mistaken." He savoured the look on Kaidan's face at that little bombshell and smirked as he added, "Maybe she's tired of waiting for you to make a move and decided to seek some stress relief elsewhere."

"Who's seeking stress relief?" Ashley asked as she joined them on the bridge and sat down. "No wait, let me guess. It has to be the Commander if LT's expression is anything to go by."

"Hey Williams, you're a girl." Joker started but was interrupted by Ash.

"So nice of you to notice, Joker. Was there any point to that observation?"

They both laughed at the look on Kaidan's face. "I was just going to ask you whether you liked guys with accents. I think Alenko is worried because while Girard may not have the ass, his accent is a sure chick magnet."

Ash nodded enthusiastically. "Well the right accent can be pretty hot. Besides, no girl really wants to listen to an ass whispering sweet nothings in her ear."

"Well I guess that lets Girard out then because he is an ass from what I saw of him." Kaidan said over their laughter. "If his accent is such a turn on, why don't you make a play for him Ash? he asked irritably.

Ash gave him an innocent look. "Why LT, you wouldn't be jealous by any chance would you?"

"Of course not, I'd just like to see you dating someone." He gave her a bland look. "It would keep you from getting up to mischief with this clown."

Joker looked at him incredulously. "Pull the other one, Alenko. If your complexion was any greener, they'd be planting you in the garden on the Citadel and watering you daily so tourists could have their picture taken in front of you."

"Maybe he thinks if he acts like a tree Shepard will climb him." Ash mused.

Joker was getting into full swing now. Alenko was such an easy target. "I'd risk broken bones for Shepard to climb me."

Ash chuckled. "Joker, I didn't realise you were hiding a secret love for the Commander."

Joker sighed dramatically. "Well what can I do? There's no way I can compete with that ass," he said and pointed at Kaidan, laughing.

"I hope I'm around to see the day when Shepard kicks _your_ ass," Kaidan retorted.

"Ooh, do you think she'll rub medigel on it afterwards? I hear that's quite...uh...soothing."

Kaidan was having second thoughts about the wisdom of going anywhere near Joker lately. "Don't you have a ship to fly? Or would that break up the comedy routine you two have going? Maybe the two of you should hook up."

"LT, I'm shocked. You know the rules against fraternization, besides Joker wouldn't be able to keep up with me." Ash winked. "And I like my men to be smart and have nice asses, not all rolled into one and just be a smartass."

Joker did his best to put a wounded expression on his face while he laughed. "You've broken my heart now Williams. I'm totally crushed and will have to pine for the rest of my life, and watch you from afar with an adoring look on my face. But only after I get to the Citadel in record time. We don't want Shepard to be late for her date."

"For the last time, it's not a date." Kaidan said forcefully before stalking off, muttering under his breath.

Kaidan looked around the restaurant surreptitiously as he held out a chair for Dr. Chakwas. He noticed Lieutenant Girard immediately and was glad that he'd not only managed to get the location of his meeting with Shepard out of Joker, but that he'd arrived before her. The guy was looking far too cocky for Kaidan's liking.

"Kaidan I'm so pleased you invited me out for dinner. I've always admired the quiet way you go about your duty, as well as your other…assets." Dr. Chakwas said as she sipped the drink that the waiter had just brought to the table.

"Well I just thought I'd take you out as a thank you, you know, for looking after me when I have a migraine." He was far too preoccupied watching Shepard's arrival to pay much attention to his own dinner companion.

"Oh it's no trouble at all Kaidan, believe me." She looked around. "This seems like a nice quiet place, how did you find it?"

"Oh, er, Joker told me about it." Kaidan hurriedly drew his attention back to Dr. Chakwas.

"I'm surprised he knew about it, but then it is out of the way. A perfect place for trysts and fraternizing, without the watchful eyes of the Alliance upon you." She accompanied her words with a light touch on his arm.

_What?_ Kaidan was starting to feel nervous, and hoped he hadn't given Dr. Chakwas the wrong idea about this dinner. _She knows how I feel about Shepard, surely? Everyone else on the damn ship does, thanks to Joker._

Picking up the menu he managed to stammer, "Shall we order now?" before burying his face in it to hide his embarrassment.

He was pleased that the service was good and their meals arrived quickly. _At least Girard chose a decent restaurant for his meeting with Shepard. _He refused to refer to it as a date, even though the pair seemed to be having too good a time. He glared in Girard's direction.

As they ate, Dr. Chakwas smiled as she noticed him glance in Shepard's direction again. "I'm so glad you were posted to the Normandy. It's refreshing to meet a handsome marine who is not looking for his next pick up and can appreciate older, more experienced women."

Kaidan choked on his food, and she immediately reached for her purse. "I'm sure I have something to help you in here Kaidan."

He watched her rummage around and nearly choked on the water he was now sipping as she laid a tube of medigel on the table. He'd never be able to look at medigel in the same way again after his recent experiences.

"Oops, that won't help right now. I'm sure you don't want a tingly feeling at the moment, but it may come in handy later." She noted Kaidan's blush with satisfaction.

"Er, Dr. Chakwas." He started only to be cut off as she held up a hand.

'I know what you were going to say Kaidan and I totally agree. I think we should skip desert and head straight back to the Normandy for something a little more…satisfying."

He started to sweat. _What the hell am I supposed to do now? _He noticed Shepard and Girard preparing to leave, but there was no way he could leave now. _Dr. Chakwas will think I'm willing to take her up on her suggestion._

"Why don't we head back to the Normandy now, Kaidan? I'm sure I have some brandy that I was saving for a special occasion." She gave him a sultry smile as she noticed Shepard leaving and saw his panic setting in.

Kaidan swallowed hard as he paid the bill. _I'm resourceful; I'll just have to think of something. _

As they walked back to the Normandy she placed her hand in the crook of his arm. _Maybe I can fake a migraine, although if I get any more stressed tonight I won't have to fake it._

Dr. Chakwas smiled to herself as they walked in silence. _I am an evil woman. I'm obviously spending far too much time with Jeff._

As they approached the Normandy Kaidan saw Girard lean in and kiss Shepard briefly before taking his leave of her. _Damn it._

"So does this mean I can expect a kiss too, Kaidan?" Chakwas said to draw his attention.

At his shocked expression she laughed. "Relax Kaidan. I've been playing you all night and you fell for it hook, line, and sinker." She indicated Shepard. "I am not so old that I can't appreciate your obvious charms Lieutenant, but I realise your interest lies in another direction." On seeing Kaidan's red face she said, "I for one am rooting for you Kaidan, and for all Joker's pranks and smartass comments he is too. Shepard is very lucky, and so are you."

"Yeah I don't feel particularly lucky at the moment."

"The right time will come soon, Kaidan. Shepard is about as interested in that Lieutenant as she is in Joker. Whether you believe it or not, she only has eyes for you. No doubt when this mission is over she might tell you that herself."

Kaidan gave her an embarrassed smile. "Guess I'm pretty transparent, huh?"

"So is she, Kaidan. All good things come to those who wait." She leaned forward and gave him a motherly kiss on the cheek. "But I did enjoy our dinner. I hope we can do it again sometime, although if you want to make Shepard jealous you might be better off inviting Williams next time."

"Hopefully there won't be a next time, Doc. I make an ass of myself all too frequently around Shepard as it is."

"Well if it's any consolation I've heard that she appreciates it." They both laughed as they entered the Normandy's airlock. Neither one of them noticed Shepard standing in an alcove with a smug grin on her face.


End file.
